Confessions of a Cannabis Addict

"Where's your joy?" was a question a co-worker used to ask me regularly when we'd connect at the water cooler at the office.  It was always a good opener, better than "How are you?" or "What's up?" since it focused our conversation on the better things in life and it was a useful check in to see whether either of  us was struggling or conversely if we'd be able to inspire each other a little with some cheerful news.  Truth is, at the moment, I'm having a tough time finding my joy,  I'm in the throes of cannabis withdrawal and the waves of confusing despair are washing over me as a dark void opens up in my heart.  I feel like an open wound, an un-solvable puzzle, like I'm carrying the pain of the earth in my soul and there's no escape.

I've been trying to change my relationship with cannabis for years; I want to keep the good parts but leave behind the bad. Cannabis gives me relief from depression, but can sometimes entrench it; Cannabis helps me sleep but it prevents me from remembering my dreams; Cannabis deepens my appreciation of music but makes me a less productive and less confident musician; Cannabis can help me to be in right relationship with myself but can damage my relationships with others, particularly since I'm not a very good listener when I'm high; Cannabis enhances my sexual pleasure but can also make me a more self-centered lover.  I wish I could be Cannabis' friend, but I fear she just wants me to be her bitch.  When we are apart she's always in the back of my mind, nagging away that this problem or that problem would be better if I'd just come back to her.

I've never had the same issues with other drugs - I can take or leave alcohol,  I have a few drinks a week to relax - a glass of wine with food, a single beer after a hard day at work.  I was never attracted to heavy drinking - the dangers and downsides were always too obvious to me.  I smoked cigarettes from the age of 14 to 23, but then dropped it overnight, developing a daily pot smoking habit instead. I still have the odd cigarette, enjoying the grounding effect and the delicious if short lived euphoria it can bring. Tobacco is a powerful plant for ceremony and healing work, one of the master healing herbs in the indigenous traditions of the Americas. But if I smoke too much tobacco for recreation I get a sore throat and warning signals from my lungs - I back away and put it on the shelf for a while and never give it a second thought.  But I will pull it off the shelf again more often if I can't have weed because I love smoking, the act of pulling smoke deep into the lungs and the satisfying puffs on the exhale - there's something very primal, elemental and soothing about it.  I've tried vaping and eating pot, but always come back to joints, since nothing else really seems to hit the spot.

Recently I've been trying to switch from being a daily cannabis user to just on the weekends.  I'm not sure this is going to work.  My tendency to binge smoke on the weekends is higher and during the week days I have to suffer withdrawal each time - taking each day a day at a time and working with the forces compelling me to just have a little puff to take the edge off.  I've run out of weed, but I'm sure I could cobble up a toke from something, the residue in the bong, the scrapings from my stash box.  That's when you know you're an addict when you get into those desperate measures.

I've read a lot recently about addiction stemming from a lack of connection - that's it's really intimate contact with our lovers, friends and family that we're missing.  But I really don't think that's the case with me, I have a lovely partner and my relationship with my family is better than ever.  My friends are wonderful people and it's not hard to get into deeper chats with them and either set the world to rights or help each other talk about our challenges.  When I socialize I get a lot of hugs and it’s not weird for me to be physically affectionate with my pals.  So I don’t think it’s a lack of connection for me, instead it feels more like a deep pain that I’ve always carried that gets revealed when the cannabis smoke clears – something locked deep inside that gnaws away at me.

I had a well adjusted childhood and a loving home, so it’s a struggle to try and dig up any trauma that has made me the way I am.  I’ve done a lot of healing work over the years – psychotherapy, herbal, psychedelic, past life regression, Reiki, chiropractic, massage and conventional medicine.  Some of it helped a lot and I feel like I’ve released a great deal, but here in mid-life, I still feel there’s so much to do and I’m having trouble getting back to joy and lightheartedness.  I’d welcome comments of anyone that has had a similar journey and what has helped them through difficult times such as these.

In deepest gratitude to all the healers.  Blessings and Light, Elf