I arrived early and took in the space, an open room in a modern cottage by a frozen lake in Nova Scotia. The other ceremony-goers gradually came in and greeted each other as the evening wore on. We set our spaces up around the edges of the room, arranging bedding and what we'd need for the night - a bucket, a notebook, snacks, water and other personal items. Soon after the shaman arrived and introduced herself, she is a long time practitioner of Amazonian healing medicine, trained and initiated in Peru by one of the foremost healers of the Shipbo tradition. She has also been studying the Lakota Sioux tradition for 15 years. She had an easy smile and deep, knowing sparkling eyes. I was reassured very quickly that my soul would be in good hands that night.
We were an interesting mix of people of both sexes, mostly middle aged and older. There were 10 of us partaking in the ceremony. Some were doing three full nights of ceremony over the course of the weekend; I however had opted to attend just one night, since it was my first time and I didn’t really know what to expect. Most of us had been involved in some kind of spiritual practice for decades, Yoga, Shamanism and Buddhism being common themes.
Accompanying the shaman were two Lebanese brothers that were to act as her helpers - clearly no strangers to the Ayahuasca ceremony, they were dressed in loose white clothing edged with brightly coloured psychedelic patterns. Similar wavy lined patterns and bright colours featured in fabrics that were hung around the room and around the altar where the shaman was to sit for the night. In time we settled down and awaited the start of the ceremony, quiet anticipation building for what the night would hold in store for us.
The shaman began to describe the ceremony and asked us what our intentions were for the night. She explained that it was important to set a clear intention for the healing work so that the plant spirit in the medicine could help us with something specific. We shared our intentions in turn and talked briefly about our personal stories and the problems we wanted help with at that time. My intention was that I wanted to relieve my depression, something that had become cyclical for me and was sapping my enjoyment of life. I had suffered a breakdown a couple of years before and was still having trouble staying positive about things. Even though I had a comfortable material existence and a loving partner and son, there was always a tendency for me to get lost in a very dark place from time to time.
The shaman prepared the plant medicine by blowing on it and singing softly into the mouth of the bottle it was in. The liquid was a reddish brown colour, with a thick, viscous consistency. The shaman called us up in turn to give us a cup of the medicine. It tasted very bitter, but not quite as bad as I had expected from stories that many recount about the brew. When I swallowed it, I felt an anesthetic feeling in my stomach that was not entirely unpleasant. Whatever it was going to do to me, it was clear that this was strong medicine.
I will say at this point that I am no stranger to psychedelics, having used them over the course of 20 years in my own personal and spiritual development. I consider myself well equipped psychically to deal with the effects and potential dangers of using these substances and I always approach ingesting a new (to me) psychedelic drug with caution and a healthy dose of research. What my research told me in this case was that Ayahuasca is created by combining two different kinds of plant, one of which is called Chakruna leaf and contains the psychedelic Di-Methyl Triptomine (DMT); the other is the Ayahuasca vine which contains an MAO inhibitor. MAO inhibitors alter an enzyme process in the stomach, which prevents the breakdown of the DMT as it passes through. This allows the DMT to be chemically active in the body and for the consumer to experience its hallucinogenic effects for several hours.
All of the accounts that I had read suggested that Ayahuasca is a very intense experience and that I should be prepared for vomiting (politely called purging), leaving my psychic comfort zone and potentially experiencing fearsome visions. Why would someone willingly do that to themselves, you may ask quite fairly? Well, beyond these potential negatives, there is a very solid body of evidence that suggests that ingesting the plant medicine can result in a profoundly healing and transformative effect and has been found useful in helping those with addictions, as well as other psychological and behavioral problems. There is also clearly a strong spiritual tradition of using the plant to travel beyond the veil of reality into the spirit world to deepen the seer’s intimacy with nature for the benefit of self, family and tribe.
We sat quietly in meditation as the effects of the plant began to take hold, first gradually and then with an accelerating pace. Around half of the people in the room began to purge, but my stomach didn’t seem troubled at all. I believe that this was because I had been quite strict in cleaning myself out before the ceremony. I had quit alcohol, weed, caffeine and sugar for the prior two weeks in preparation, as well as attended a sweat lodge with a local Mi’qMaq elder a couple of days previously. I have since taken Ayahuasca again and my body wasn’t near as clean and I vomited vigorously that time, so cleansing is definitely a tip for a more comfortable experience in my opinion.
As the psychedelic effects started to take hold I began to shake and sweat. Kaleidoscopic waves distorted my vision of the room and I became disoriented. Then the shaman started to sing. The singing rose and fell in soft continuous phrases. The songs sounded ancient, mystical and rich with quiet meaning. The singing seemed to tune in my awareness, calm somewhat the sense of losing a grip on my everyday reality and to amplify the healing effects of the medicine.
Soon the trip became really intense; a rapidly shifting array of symbols, pictures and patterns flickered through my mind. I realized soon that what I was experiencing was an inventory of stored information that represented my consciousness and my beliefs. The plant was reading me, is the only way I can describe it, as if my mind and memories were a database and the plant was cataloguing and indexing it. We don’t always think of plants as having consciousness, but with Ayahuasca I felt the undeniable sense that some other being had entered me after I had ingested it. What became clear is that this would not be a one way experience, where I consumed something and journeyed on my own. I believe the spirit of Ayahuasca wants to learn about different kinds of humans to understand how to help and heal them; she has a curious interest in the diversity of our behaviors and she wants to continue the mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship that man and plant have had for generations.
The shaking and trembling became quite pronounced as I entered the peak of the ceremony. Still the shaman sang and smoked tobacco, helping to hold the psychic container that would allow us to safely explore without losing our way. I began to notice that while the mind cinema of images and symbols had been playing on my inner eye, there was something else going on around my heart area. Every time I started to focus in that direction, however, I was gently nudged back into focusing on the visions and images. It felt as if psychic surgery was going on in the left part of my chest with at least two souls engaged in helping me with the depressive problems that I had presented in my intention.
Suddenly it came to me as plain as day, I knew what all this pain I was carrying was all about. I had killed somebody in a previous life. “You killed somebody important”, a soft female voice told me. “Important to whom?” I asked. “Important to The Everything”, the voice answered. I started to explore the memory of an event that had left me so scarred and guilt ridden that I had carried it across several lifetimes. All of our actions have consequences; this becomes hugely reinforced under the influence of Ayahuasca, which provides you with an objective view of your life and the status of your karmic balance sheet. Killing somebody causes a great rupture in the fabric of reality – so even if we feel like it is the right thing to do or justified in some way, the negative impacts are profound. I realized I had an opportunity to forgive myself for this act of violence and move on from the guilt and sorrow that it had left with me. This self forgiveness seemed quite simple to do, but it was the lack of memory for what the trauma was that had held me back from doing it.
The shaman worked one on one with the different participants at points throughout the ceremony. In time she called my name and beckoned me to come forward and lie on the mat next to where she was sitting. She sat by my head singing softly and her assistant started to puff clouds of tobacco smoke across my body. As they worked I saw a spiral column of light blue energy reaching from my heart out into the galaxies beyond. There was no ceiling anymore, just the yawning infinity of space. Up there in the heavens I became aware of another presence watching over me, an elderly woman in First Nations attire, with eyes that were compassionate but also terrifyingly piercing and wise. I learned that her name was Grandmother Eagle and that she was here to help with my healing process, so long as I would bear my soul to her and not build veils of illusion around myself.
After returning to my place at the edge of the room I continued to shake and work through all the thoughts and emotions that were still welling up in rapid succession – far more ideas and inspirations than it would be possible to capture through writing. I noticed how I was physically trying to protect my heart area by lying on my left side and curling into a fetal position. Every time I found myself doing that I corrected myself and turned to lie on my back, exposing myself to the full force of the healing again and again. In the process it felt like I was reclaiming part of myself, no longer shrouded in pain and guilt, but free to bask in the forceful torrent of universal life energy.
Gradually the shaking slowed down and a semblance of normal consciousness returned. I shared a few hushed words with my friend beside me, glad to be with someone that I’d known for a while and could freely embrace and share some of the deeper insights of the night with. We went outside and marveled at the trees and the frozen lake, the crystal majesty of the icy night. The shaman and a couple of others soon joined us out there and some enjoyed a cigarette as well as sharing some knowing glances. What was unspoken was a common gratitude in what we had gained from the ceremony and some humor as well about the unrelenting and inescapable power of the medicine.
I am writing this one year after the ceremony and can honestly say that the benefits of that night have been incredible and bring a smile to my face to this day. It was as if Ayahuasca helped me to re-ignite my self love, restoring a healthy recirculation of energy that keeps me away from the cold meaningless void. While I have normal ups and downs now, my downs are never as dark and hopeless as they once were. Ayahuasca, the shaman and my spirit guides healed my depression in a way that hours of psychotherapy and a dozen other healing modalities had never been able to.
Even in my elation at this realization I caution others to only approach this medicine if you feel it is the right time in your life for you and that you are mentally and physically prepared to do the deep healing work that can be involved.
